theoriginalspy | Everyone's Secrets: Revealed

For everyone at last week's Bond party:

The Saga of Sister Rose
Exactly one week ago tonight, I, Sister Rose, Voodoo High Priestess, attended a soiree that was the most interesting and somewhat dangerous, of my life. As I suffered through the near murder of my co-worker, Domino, expert thief, and the bendiest woman in the world aka,

travelingone and the joy of being reunited with my illegitimate daughter (Anita Hardone) with Don Wan, all the while I was trying to discover who was responsible for the theft of the Anti-Dionysius formula.

Unfortunately, while I received information from the spritis about the value and potential suspects involved in the theft of the aforementioned formula, the spirit world gave me incorrect information as to what the formula actually did. My information (all right, the information of Domino) said the formula made Vodka taste like beer; lated I discovered this was not the case and the formula removed the alcohol from vodka while leaving the delightful intoxicating sensation. Acquiring this formula would not only keep my daughter safe, but to would make me and my business partner, Domino, very rich women. We really like money. We just had to find out the truth from Dr. Martini Rossi before anyone else.

It appeared to us very early on that our biggest competition would be Plenty O'Cleavage, the "lipstick librarian, aka

yellow_freshia. She was clearly busting to discover the information. While I appreciate her dedication to the written word, as Domino would later purloin the information, that Plenty's goal was to use the funds from the sale of the formula to help the library. Very altruistic of you Ms. O'Cleavage but if I had the money, I would build my own library. The Voodoo priestess gig isn't as lucrative as it used to be, and paying for the cloned fainting goats to sacrifice certainly digs into one's pocketbook. Hence the reason for the creation of the theft business with Domino; I ascertain the best time to commit the robberies, with a little help from my spirit guides, and she commits the actual crimes. Being bendy is useful for that. If I had thought about it, I should have invited Ms. O'Cleavage to join Domino and I in our quest as a billion dollars (that my spirit guides were telling me the formula was worth,) would certainly provide a great number of books for her, goats for me, and yoga lessons for Domino. Plus, she is a fascinating conversationalist, and, to be perfectly honest, I converse so often with dead people, a live one would be nice.

I also had an excellent conversation with Mr. Gee Whiz. Apparently, he's into genealogy as we can trace his family not only with the immediate sibling Cheez Whiz, but also his distant cousin Taka Whiz. Mr. Whiz's family is clearly very diverse.

My first shock of the evening came with the sudden arrival of Cherry Forever. My friend Cherry, a dear associate of mine who I believed to have been kidnapped by the evil Dr. Martini Rossi, lookednone the worse for wear, and had a top on I envied for the evening. I must ask the spirits where she bought it. At first wary of this new development, I finally spoke to Cherry to discover some important information. She was working with Dr. Rossi, albeit unwillingly. The bastard had her under some kind of mind control. This added more fuel to my determination to take down Rossi. Not only was Cherry an excellent psychic, and a dear friend, she was also no competition when it came to the guys as she would lose her psychic powers if she ever had sex. Someone who spends a great deal of time with Domino needs some form of insurance of that sort. Cherry was also there to find the formula, with and eventually meet up with Rossi. I was somewhat reassured that Dr. Rossi was unable to get any of my dark secrets from my former confidante.

Anita Hardone, my daughter, tried to approach me in a crowd, about her parentage and fearing that the knowledge that her mother is a Voodoo High Priestess, might make her a target for kidnapping,I skillfully weaseled out of the conversation by shouting very loudly for some help from Domino. I was instantly suspicious of the man who came with Anita Hardone (Double entendre not intended, she is my child!). Dandy Randy certainly had the psychic aura which said he was up to no good.

While I entertained myself talking to Dr. Wanto Blofella, Schnauppy Unterhosen and Yul Lovitt about the bustling industry of porn (that double entendre intended), and trying to figure out exactly which Southern State Ms Kitty Fantastico was from, as her accent wavered between Georgia and Louisiana, in walked Isabella Einstein. I later discovered this was the woman that Don Wan was engaged to when Anita was conceived. We had a heart-warming talk about our past, as I apologized to her for any trauma she may have had. Don was such a bastard, he'd never told me he was taken, and I was too taken in by passion to listen to the warnings of the spirit world. (Note to self: Never ignore a talking raven when he yells "Never Score! Never Score!") Isabella, dear heart, had repressed the whole thing, and it only came rushing back to her during the party. She graciously forgave me. She ws unable to provide me with any information about her companion though, a Maximillian Sanchez who claimed he was wealthy but only attended parties for a living. Meanwhile, Domino was aptly theiving information and I managed to barter a weapon from Plenty in exchange for some information. I felt safer being armed. Plenty, received one of the three predictions the spirits had told me would apply to the evening, "Someone in the room has hard nipples."

For everyone else's benifit, my other two predictions were "More than one man is wearing the face of another" and "A wealthy womand has squandered her fortune on love." While I did not know what they meant, I suspedcted that they weren't talking about a face transplant and I figured that they were talking about either Miss Kitty or Plenty, but then Ambassador Harriet Ballstein arrived. Her reaction to Dandy Randy confirmed my suspicions he was up to no good. I later, in a barter for more info, that Domino later sold to Plenty, learned that Ms. Ballstein was the woman who'd squandered her money, on Dandy, who, it turns out is a gigolo. I had to warn Anita. Anita later, and more privately, confronted me about her parentage. As I did not feel that there were prying eyes watching, I confessed that I was her mother. I also have to point out, this is a moment of parental pride here, that she was the only person who truly confounded Domino's pickpocketing abilities. See here, that Anita kept her vital information in her back pocket but every time Domino tried to steal the info, Anita seemed to intinctively know and suddenly take out the info to refer to it. That's my girl!

With the ambassador was Pollyanna Nomial, who, it turns out, is trying to salve the world's toothpick problem because, really who hasn't suffered from the embarrasing olive falling; out of one's martini into the bones one was reading. Oh, that was just me?

Jenny Talia, I later discovered, was once a part of the porn world with Lovitt, Blofella and Unterhosen. She also seemed to have information about Don Wan, who was conspicously absent from most of the evening's festivities.

The real mystery of the evening, was Bond, Scot Bond, who, despite his claims to be trying to keep the formula safe from unscrupulous people (I prefer the term morally ambiguous myself), was clearly the man in the room with hard nipples. While I did not know the entirity of the meanings of my predications, I was able to conjure that the person with hard nipples was bad. He later confessed to me that he was Martini Rossi and then attempted to shoot my compatiot. While from a mere 6 feet away, he only slightly wounded her backside (evidence enough that he wasn't a secret agent as he is clearly the worst shot ever, missing at that distance) and I later retaliated by killing Rossi. At least he wouldn't get the Anti-Dionysis formula! I now understood 2 1/2 of my predications. I'd discovered the hard nipples (I hope they bury his corpse in a really thick wool sweater), the woman who lost money for love and one person who was wearing the face of another. I now had to turn my suspicions to those left at the party that were, well, alive. I did though, take the moment to pickpocket the corpse and got his information, plus his gun.

I was highly concerned about Easter Sunrise, who seemed to be serving no purpose. I later discovered she her ranch actually is a fish farm. What do they farm, you ask? Red Herring. I think she was just there for the shock value of the chick with whip.

I would like to point out that the secret room where many wheeling and dealings took place was the site of a variety of incidents. First and foremost was the killing of Agent Scott Bond, to which I openly confess. The second was the revelation of my relation to Anita. The third was small and extremely ironic. Plenty, who was in desperate need to get back her information, provided the irony. After stealing her information (that I did myself, and I also stole her gun) I had only moments in which to hide it. I put the info down the side cushions of a chair in the back room -- the very same chair that Plenty to sit in when grilling me about the whereabouts of her information. I had difficulty keeping a straight face during her interrogation.

Finally, one last important event occured in that back room, Maximillian Sanchez and Cherry Forever, who, after this, will no longer be my trusted confidante, asked Domino to kill me! Domino, of course, agreed, but later informed me of their intentions in the time honoured meeting place of all women who have a secret to tell, the ladies room. We faked my death in a room full of people, but, alas, it was too late. The mystery had been solved.
It turned out, that Maximillian Sanchez was the othe solution to my predictions, as he was really agent Scott Bond. He was able to get the formula from both Lovitt and Anita (my darling, how could you not give it to your mother) and return it safely to Q. (Q later tried to claim to be Dr. Betterbee Hung, but as she was Domino's greatest rival, of course we knew Q was lying.)

While I was not able to acquire the formula, throughout the evening, Domino and I were able to "borrow" eight sheets of information, later sell one, acquire over 3/4 of the money in the room (which equalled out to about 78 million) and get two weapons. (We actually thought we had all the weapons, Miss Kitty Fantastico also had one.) Overall, a highly successful evening. Therefore, since we have demonstrated our ability to become the next great crime duo, if you would like to hire us, please contact Domino and she'll send you a business card.

Sincerely, Sister Rose.