My Dossier: Very dangerous. Do not handle at all.

For the next two weeks, I will be strangely interested in sports, and somewhat patriotic.  I will watch sports I will never think of again (until the next Olympics.)

I blame the pageantry, and the glitter that inevitably comes with the pageantry.

Weird fact of the day:  Someone I know is one of the performers in the opening ceremonies.

Over the past 16 days, I've watched more sporting events than I do in a several years.  In fact, I'd say 4, but I'm as addicted to the Winter Olympics as I am to the Summer ones.  Essentially, other than the Triple Crown and perhaps the World Figure Skating Championships, I don't watch sports, unless it's an Olympic year.  I mean, when is pole vault on television anyway?  What about trampoline?  No one I've ever known has held a party celebrating the Shot Put competitions.  I can imagine the e-vites now: Come to the Javelin Throw Party!  Dress as your favourite athlete! 

I don't think anyone would attend.

Therefore, I have to get my fill of such sports as Judo (please don't tell them that other than the Olympics I'm not interested as those athletes could really hurt me) every four years.  By the end of the 16 days, I feel I know a little about diving, a little about fencing, a little about rowing, but I fear I will never understand why the women have to wear wedge-causing bikinis for Beach Volleyball.  I swear there's a win/lose ratio based on the number of wedges produces during a game.  The more wedges = the winner and this is because wedges are only caused by movement.  If one moves the most, one is probably the winner, even if the bikini bottom has been eaten by her crack.

Unfortunately, watching the Olympics brings me to a sad realization: I will never by good enough in a sport to accomplish anything on the magnitude of Michael Phelps.  On the other hand, watching the Olympics means I know who Michael Phelps is.  I also know why the South African Flag-Bearer (Natalie du Toit) is so impressive and that Trinidad and Tobago had the hottest flag-bearer (George Bovell III) in the Opening Ceremony (drool).  I know the real name of Captain Canada (Ian Miller), but still miss his most famous mount, Big Ben.  I think Dara Torres' moment during the 50 metre freestyle semi-final where she actually held up the race by first stalling and then holding up the mother hand of doom and insisting no one was getting in the pool until everyone was out there and dressed, will be a favourite Olympic moment for years to come.  Because of these little bits of information, I've decided how I can truly be involved in the Olympic experience.

I want to be a commentator. 

I would like to add that I can certainly be better than the person who blogged the opening and closing ceremonies for the CBC.  The only truly funny comment that was made there was about wishing the flag-bearer for the Closing Ceremony was Hickstead, not Lamaze, Hickstead.  I would sign that petition.

In order to demonstrate what I've learned about being an Olympic commentator, I include my wealth of knowledge below.

How to commentate:

Using one's best purple prose (full of cliches like "brought it" or "will not be denied" or "flame of hope") describe each athlete's struggle.  Did they suffer a childhood trauma?  Isn't the best place to bring it up just as they're about to compete?  How about an illness or accident?  If so, make sure to describe it like they almost died.  Banned from the sport due to a doping violation?  Don't make it sound like they were wrong, unless they're competing against someone from your own country.

Knowing the names of the moves is not a requirement.  Looking ahead to 2010, I'm going to start a pool now on how may times Rod Black calls a Salchow a Loop, or if he'll just result to calling everything an Axel, even if it's a camel spin.  Luckily, there's always an expert with you.  As an athlete of some repute in the sport, the audience will take everything they say at face value.

One important skill is to only mess up only one tenth of the names.  Anymore and it sounds like one doesn't care.  On a side note, under no circumstances can one mess up the name of an athlete from one's own country.   Make sure a name like Lopes-Schliep doesn't come out as "Lopez- Schlep."  Remember these athletes are strong and they can run fast.  In the case of Lopes-Schliep, she'll conquer all the hurdles you throw at her too.  My point is that the athletes can beat up the commentators and the experts as they aren't in heavy training anymore.

In the case of all judged events, a French Judge joke is always a useful time-filler.  This may be said without irony if a bad call is made against one's own country.  In that case, a severe tone of righteous indignation must be perfected.

When commentating, the focus must always be on the commentator's country, unless Michael Phelps is in the race.  If there is a phenom in the sport, then it is perfectly acceptable to forget to announce who received the bronze medal in order to focus on said phenom.

How to conduct an interview:

Whether or not an athlete competes well, the first question must be about his or her thoughts or feelings.  Try, "Now that you've accomplished the greatest feat imaginable, how do you feel?" or "After you took a nosedive and ate pavement, did you think about the disappointment you will have caused anyone who ever met you?"  Remember, as a a commentator one is simply asking about the feelings, not really caring about the aforementioned feelings.

Next, be sure to ask what the althete was thinking while competing.  He or she will never answer truthfully with something like "I was trying to avoid getting a volleyball smashed on my face" or "I was worried that if I didn't do well I would lose funding."  Instead, the athlete will talk about his or her parents, the game plan, the competition, or God.  If the latter is mentioned, avoid that sticky wicket by asking some other random question like, "Do you remember that time you won your first race when you were 8, were you thinking about your mom taking you to McDonalds (product placement) or that your achievement today was possible?"

If crying ensues, whether the athlete did well, or not, it will be replayed ad naseum.  One will be able to catch their own interview later to judge if they sounded sincere enough.  Also, if the athlete collapses during the interview, then one has struck the international commentator gold.  In order to achieve this, try speaking to an athlete at the end of a triathlon, or marathon.

How to waste time between events:

Montages are everyone's friend.  If one is feeling adventurous, try making said montage look more like a music video.  When one runs out of montages, show a particular race again.  During the Beijing Olympics, the only athlete I saw more than Michael Phelps was Usain Bolt as the 100m final was shown at least five times a day for four days.

If the repeated airings of events or montages run short, understand that awkward small talk about sports or people one does not know, is required.  Do not be concerned if everyone looks pained during this chat as it cannot be avoided.  Take comfort in the audience enjoying the pain at home.

Now, of course, none of this applies to Ron MacLean as he is incapable of not being anything other than the greatest sports commentator ever.  Of course, not everyone is blessed with the skill of being knowledgeable, well-spoken, likeable and having graduated from the school of controlling Don Cherry.

In conclusion, I fully expect to receive my offer from CTV to help cover the 2010 Olympics as soon as they read my wealth of commentator knowledge.  Of course, I also expect CTV to make a similar offer to Ron MacLean as they already had the Hockey Night in Canada theme, they might as well take him too.

Besides, unlike Rod Black, I know the difference between a Salchow, a Loop and an Axel.

See you in 2010.